WHERE MY HEART IS

I was reading the newspaper this morning and the front page was filled with stories about St. Pedro Calungsod.  My thoughts drifted around this person as I tried to get to know more about him.

I learned that he was around 14 at that time he joined Fr. Diego Luis de San Vitores SJ on a trip to the Ladrones (Marianas today) Islands on June 16, 1668.  They were on a mission to the islands when some of the natives attacked them.  Instead of running for his life, he protected Fr. Diego and was killed in the fray. He died because he was protecting a friend. In essence, he died protecting the mission and gave his life to save another person. Such selfless act is indeed admirable. Pedro died on April 2, 1672.

My thoughts then turned to another person whom I personally knew way back in my college days who also did the same thing. He died saving others and who knows, perhaps someday he, like Pedro Calungsod, might become another Filipino Saint.

Sch. Richie Fernando SJ was one of our Jesuit moderators in the Student Catholic Action in PSBA back in 1994.  The first time I met him was during lunch at the Loyola House of Studies. I was with Bro. Jboy Gonzales then and he introduced me to Richie who was about to be assigned to SCA in the next school year.  He didn’t talk that much and my first impression of him was that he was “suplado”. But that was just a first impression.

Though Richie and I never really got that close, he was nonetheless popular with some of the other members of the group. He did not stay that long in SCA and the last time I saw him was in a sports fest at the Ateneo de Manila Grade School sometime in January or February in 1995. He was no longer assigned to SCA at that time, but he was still there to visit and chat with us.  He was already preparing to leave for Cambodia.

In October 1996, the sad news came that he was killed in Cambodia, when one person tried to throw a grenade at a group of students. Fortunately or unfortunately, Richie was there and he grabbed the person with the grenade to shield the students and that person from danger.  Shrapnel hit him at the back of his head instantly killing him (at least that was how I remembered the story).  He died October 17, 1996.

I was reminded about Richie again last week in another SCA Sports Fest at the Ateneo, a few days before his death anniversary.

I had not been to Ateneo for years. Though I was never an Ateneo student, I spent most of my college life inside and around Loyola House of Studies and Arrupe International Residence (thanks to Jesuit friends who always invited me and other SCANs for lunch or merienda).  It was like a homecoming for me to be there with the same group of people I had spent life with in college – the SCA and the Jesuits.  Arrupe Residence has changed a lot and there was a covered court at the back of LHS and AIR solely for Jesuits and it was named after Richie.

Last October 17, 2012 was Richie’s 16^th death anniversary and in remembering him, I also remembered some of his famous quotes.

But there is one quote that never fails to move me. “I know where my heart is, It is with Jesus Christ, who gave his all for the poor, the sick, the orphan ... I am confident that God never forgets his people: our disabled brothers and sisters. And I am glad that God has been using me to make sure that our brothers and sisters know this fact. I am convinced that this is my vocation. I am a Jesuit. I know where my heart is.” Every time I read or hear this, something stirs up in me and a question comes up in my mind – am I where my heart is?

I am not a Jesuit, but somehow, it was the Jesuits that have helped me find where my heart is. 

I have learned from them that God calls all of us to a mission. Our mission is our purpose in life and our hearts will always draw us towards this purpose. This to me is what finding our heart means; it is about finding our purpose – our mission in life.

I believe I’ve been called to do two things in my life at this moment; first to be a family man and second to be a servant.

Finding out my life’s mission was not that easy and it never is. It does take a lot of discernment.

I can still remember vividly that conversation I had with Jboy as we walked along the driveway of Sacred Heart Novitiate in Novaliches in April 1996.  At that time I was so confused. I had wanted to become a Jesuit, but my heart told me something else. He mentioned something that I would not forget and perhaps it was something that changed my life completely. His advice made it clear to me that “God calls us to serve him whether we choose a religious life, a life of single blessedness, or a married life.”  It was after that that I chose a married life and to have my own family. I am now absolutely sure that this is what God wanted for me. I continue to serve God through and with my family.

Another Jesuit, Bernard Arputhasamy SJ and one of my closest friends during my college days, educated me on leadership and taught me about what being a leader was and it was from him that I saw what a true leader should be. For the four years he was with us in SCA I learned from him so much about Christian leadership. Humility, respect, selflessness, and love for others were just some of those lessons he patiently taught us.

One unforgettable lesson he imparted to me was during one of the cell group sessions we had with him.  “What is your greatest dream?” he asked. I told him, I wanted to change the world and I wanted to start with myself and with SCA. It sounded absurd and probably it was a product of youthful idealism, but I felt that this was where my heart was – to make the world a better place.

A quote he used to answer me stuck in my mind till this day. He said, “Attempt something great for God, but if God is not in it, it is doomed to failure”.  I guess he mentioned that in order to caution me in my actions.  But my interpretation was that attempting to change the world would be futile if God is not the reason. And so from that day on, in all the things that I do, God has been my reason.

These events have helped shaped me to who I am today - a father and God’s servant on a mission.

In June 2005, Grace and I, and our two children decided to leave everything we had to go to Mindanao. The idea was to raise our family there where life was more peaceful and living conditions were much better than Manila. The other purpose was to contribute our talents and whatever we can do to help the poor people of Mindanao and contribute to make it a better place. This we did for the past seven years.

But the past years of our journey here in Mindanao had been turbulent.  I had realized that it is never easy and we must face many challenges along the way. But what keeps me moving is the knowledge that when you are where your heart is, you will bear all these challenges.

Like Pedro and Richie, their mission was not completely without hardship. But they knew where their heart was and they were willing to give up their lives for it.   

As I age, I realized, that we could never really change the world. We can only change ourselves. It is in finding that place where God is in you life that really matters and it is there where real change comes from.

Finding where your heart is is where you belong. Finding what makes you happy can change you completely.